Dan Chang's Company SpeechA few of you faithful readers may have remembered a startup company I founded a couple years back by the name of HoTech (read about the company history here) Well, mid-year reviews came up and as the President and CEO (Chief Erection
Officer) of HoTech, it was my job to brief our stockholders of the present state
of company affairs (while at the same time informing the cockholders of the
present state of sluts). I'll be honest: HoTech has been in a downward spiral
lately Our research has been stagnant; after a couple of long, arduous years,
we have yet to streamline the process of picking corn out of one's own shit;
our fisting facility had to be sold since it was losing money; and our
Collaborative Laboratory of Ingested Testicles division (CLIT) was hit by
Hurricane Katrina (which was then moved to Thailand; a blessing in disguise,
really, due to all the lady-boys, but I digress). Overall, it was a shitty year
and the drop in our stock price reflected this. I had to do some damage control
before things got even more out of hand - starting with the company-wide speech
at the mid-year convention.
Admittedly, I'm not the greatest of speakers: I slur my R's, don't annunciate nearly enough, and absolutely butcher the concept of subject-verb conjugation. Blame it on growing up as a po' Negro on the streets of Compton, forced to communicate by way of Ebonics. My speech impediment, combined with the gloomy forecast of the company's status made me less than confident in addressing HoTech's stakeholders.  But you already know I'm a pimp that don't give a fuck: I do what any responsible leader of a Fortune 500 company would do. I party hard the night before at the club, not getting any sleep, and start pre-drinking and smoking weed before my speech. I show up to the company convention and stumble my way towards the podium drunk and high as hell... you know I be ballin around the world, mang. You know that boy be in the club almost about to hurl, mang. Even though I'm Changs, and I got all these chicks chasin' me. See I only want you, though life is so perfect for me.... uhh, anyways back to the matter at hand. I cleared my throat and addressed the congregation:
"Ya'll niggaz must be here to listen to yo boy preach on about the status
of HoTech. Well how about I give you the status of my dick instead? Last time
I recall, it's still about 9 and a quarter without the foreskin. With the
hoodie, it'd be like 18 inches long, ya huuuurd? It'd be expanding to different
markets on a monthly basis, too! Last night I outsourced it in some bitchez ass
which effectively increased HoTech's jizz to fixed nut ratio by a phat 69%
hahaha Uh, well th-th-that's all, folks!"
At that point, I was so fuckin high and drunk, I puked over the podium, the
projectile vomit splashing the first 3 rows of the crowd. I tripped over myself
and fell off stage. The crowd gasped and tangible franticness filled the
auditorium. I think I passed out and they had to call 911 or some wack shit
like that. It certainly was an embarrassment to HoTech that their revered and
respected President behaved in such a manner, but I didn't give a shit. I had
skillfully avoided giving anyone the bad news by creating a massive diversion.
I care about all of you, the stakeholders of HoTech, and therefore, I'm willing
to look like an ass, rather than dissappoint you. Hey it worked: the company's
health hadn't even crossed anybody's mind, and the water-cooler talk was all about
my brilliant speech. This gave me enough time to turn the company around, behind-the-scenes, without much intervention or press coverage. In the business world, any sign of weakness attracts the vultures.... and shit, owning a company that wasn't at the top of its game would be so unballer of me.
| 
